1990-2008

1990-2008
Niki Stahlberg

“Were you sad? Were you scared? Did you whisper a prayer to be free? Was it quiet and cold? Was it light or too dark to see?
And did you reach for me?”
-Sugarland


Kayla was sobbing. Her world had fallen apart all over again. She couldn’t take back the things she said or did, although she wished she could. It had been one year exactly since Joey had died and she still blamed herself. He haunted her dreams and was with her everywhere she went, and she couldn’t seem to get rid of the image of his face inside her head. It got worse at night time, since that was when it happened, and especially on cold, rainy nights. Now that a new school year has started, people don’t stare as much and it’s rarely even mentioned anymore, but if Kayla had a penny for every time she thought about his name, face, smell, taste or touch, she could buy all the heartbreaks in the world.
“Kayla! Hunny, its time to get ready for school!”
“Okay Mom, just a second!” Kayla said wiping the tears away. “I’m so sorry,” she says as she folds up a picture and puts it back into the box.
She wished she didn’t have to go to school. The further away from people she is, she figured, the less she could hurt them. Ever since the accident, she isolated herself so much her friends don’t even bother calling anymore. Kayla is strangely okay with it, and doesn’t mind that the only people that talk to her are her family. They have stuck by her side throughout the whole ordeal. Although it’s hard to watch, they figure whatever can make Kayla happy these days is something worth keeping around.
Every day is always like the last. She stumbles through her morning routine of a quick shower and cold cereal, and drives to school with her brother Greg. Kayla is a senior this year, and has been forced to help her freshman brother adjust to the crazy world of high school.
“Are you getting the hang of things now?” Kayla asks her brother as they get into her 1998 pale blue Ford Focus.
“I think so.” Greg says, trying to pry the door open. “I’ve already heard a bunch of kids talking about getting drunk this weekend. You never hear anything like that in middle school; it’s crazy what a transformation it is.”
Kayla nods, wishing her little brother could stay in 8th grade forever. That way he wouldn’t have to deal with the pressures that are bound to come his way.
With the school now in sight, she couldn’t help but think of Joey’s laugh. He always hated coming to school. He never was the smartest kid, but he didn’t get into much trouble either. He just didn’t like coming. He always said that when he went to college that he and Kayla would push each other to go to class, but that it probably wouldn’t work. She always liked that about him. He was always joking, always laughing. He didn’t let life get in his way of having a good time. They both found that out the hard way.
With every day that passes she only misses him more. He told her that they were going to build a life together. She always believed that he was the one she was going to spend the rest of her life with. That dream ended one year ago today. And Kayla’s world is still upside down. How do you just come back from that? How do you move on? She wondered these things everyday. Joey is gone. And she blamed herself.

It had been one year ago today, the second day of school. Last year it was a Thursday, it was a day where you’re already used to your new schedule of classes that there’s just no excitement anymore. You just saunter through the days until you can’t tell the difference between a Tuesday and a Friday.
“Rex and Trysta are having some people over tonight. Their parents are out of town until Sunday. Think of it as a “Farewell Summer” party. Come with me?” Joey pleaded, batting those perfect black eyelashes.
Kayla tried thinking of excuses for them to just stay home. “I thought you didn’t like Rex. Didn’t he steal your bike in 3rd grade or something?”
“No, that was Peter. And yeah, I still don’t like him! Come on Kay, it could be fun. And if it’s not, then we’ll leave. I just want to get some stuff off my mind”

Right there was when Kayla could have said no. She could have put her foot down and refused to go to a party where she knew there would be alcohol. She couldn’t say that she was an angel and had never had a drink before; she just knew that Rex’s house was where you went if you wanted a wild party. It just didn’t feel right, and Kayla knew it. Instead of saying no, she let him go.
That decision will resonate with Kayla until the end of time. That night she received a phone call from Joey’s mother. Joey was driving home when he lost control and ran his truck off the road. The police tried to get Joey out, but it was too late. All they could do was let him go. Kayla tried to make sense of everything. What had she done? Was it her fault? She couldn’t help but think it was. She knew it was a bad idea, but she let him do it. She let him go.

One year later, Kayla still thinks of that night. She thinks of all the things she could have said to Joey to make him stay.
As Kayla enters Jefferson Senior High, she sees everyone she used to know, her former best friend Rachel, her soccer team, and all of her friends in the Drama club. She can’t help but think of all the good times she used to have with them. A year ago today, she was only thinking about Joey. But now he was gone forever, and there is nothing she can do about it. Life with Joey would have been great, and now she will have to learn what it will be like without him. She knows that he wouldn’t want her to be stuck on him. He would want her to move on to bigger and better things. Regret is a very powerful emotion, and Kayla knows she will have to learn how to cope.
She slowly walks up to Rachel, wondering with each step if this is a good idea.
“Hey… um… Rachel? Can I talk to you?” Kayla manages to say.
“Yeah, sure” Rachel mutters, with unbearable awkwardness filling in all around them.
“So, I know I haven’t been myself…well, for the past year I haven’t been myself, and I just want you to know that I’m sorry”
Rachel stares at Kayla. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a necklace that says forever on it.
“I still have this. I never forgot about you either. I just didn’t know what to say to make the pain go away. No matter what anyone said, nothing helped. I’m still so sorry, Kayla.”
“Hey, um, do you wanna come over after school? Like old times?” Rachel asks, becoming more and more comfortable as time passes.
“I would love that. Can Becky come? She’s been wondering about you lately too.”
“Yeah, that’d be fun. I’ll see you then.”
Kayla walks away and heads towards her first hour class. She can’t say she’s ready to completely let go, but for now, she will try harder to lead the life that Joey always wanted for her.
“Love ya kid.” Kayla says, looking up and smiling for the first time since she can remember.